I have been truly trying to capture and trap all those horrible feelings that have just been invading my territory lately. Had one of the worst days ever on Sunday, and took me most of Monday and Tuesday to crawl out of that mental state I was in. It’s scary getting trapped inside one emotion especially when it is one like frustration or sadness. Hard to explain, and not really sure where this post is going. I have been reminding myself of so many things lately like to just be grateful for the here and now, and all the support I have of my friends and family. I want to live in the now but at times I find it difficult when I know that there are big changes on the horizon. Some good, some not so good… So it is a daily struggle to find balance and keep myself from tipping to far one way or the other on the emotional scale. Some days I’m more successful than others.

That is how it looks outside right now. Pretty blah huh? Just shades of gray. These types of days are so colorless, it definitely takes a lot to get those creative juices flowing. I really have been aching for spring and summer, and all the pretty colors they bring. The one thing that winter brings that I do appreciate though is quiet. Since it is so cold out people aren’t out with their radios, and lawn mowers, and the snow deadens the sound it creates this silence that really can’t be replicated. Will be back later with some colorful things to show off…

It’s snowing again…not that there is THAT much snow on the ground but if it is snowing then it is cloudy. Cloudy days just totally bum me out and just tend to make me less productive. Although I feel pretty crappy today and it is nice when the weather matches how you feel. I guess at least i’m not feeling miserable and it is NOT a beautiful sunny and 70 degree day out. Oh how I can not wait until spring (my all time favorite season). Maybe I will paint myself a garden tonight as I can not enjoy my real one at the moment.

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. –Hans Margolius

Sometimes right before I fall asleep when the house is quiet and the only sounds I can hear are my dog and husband breathing very loudly and rhythmically in time with each other I sort of freak out. If I am not really tired or have a lot of thoughts racing through my head the quiet and the darkness seem to scare me. I start seeing images and colors even though my eyes are wide open and I know that it is the clothes in the closet not a scary figure standing there.

I’ve had a big imagination my whole life, I could turn the most boring stuff into something entirely different in my head. Suppose that comes through in my paintings at times. Yet at night when my imagination runs off, I actually have to turn on the tv for its light and noise just to fall asleep. Suppose I am still dealing with having two of the most traumatic events in my life pull me out of a dead sleep only to be faced with a worst case scenario. Quiet times always lull me into a sense of uncertainty and I go on day by day cautiously waiting. Yet I don’t want to live my life like that anymore, I’m done this year I’m going to change that.

It has been only a week into the new year and I already feel I am not doing enough, yet my whole goal this year is to be more focused on me and stop caring so much what other people are doing, thinking, or accomplishing. My goal to create for myself, to get back to the fun of it all is actually going take some work. To take care of myself, and spend time doing things and living in those moments. Stop waiting for the bottom to fall out and just let it all be. I want to push away some negatives in my life and really try to be a better person.

Asking to much? maybe. Can it be done? Hell Yeah. Who will I be when 2009 dawns? Stick around the story is unfolding…

Promo cards are ordered…
Prints for upcoming Art Fair are ordered…
I am thoroughly exhausted and worn out from trying to get all of the above done over the weekend.
Time spent in studio: 0 hours
Time spent on computer: Too many hours to count

I am taking a break this week from art related stuff as I don’t want to burn out before the end of the month. Next month (October) I am going to be on 30dayartist.com as the artist for the month. It means 40 paintings in 30 days. Hence the break before october gets here and I am so burned out on painting that I can’t stand to look at a paintbrush.

I may still blog, but don’t expect paintings around here. Oh I will be posting my finished promo card here tomorrow! I can’t wait to get the actual printed version. One more step to getting there.

Have a great Monday everyone!

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