(12″ x 9″ acrylic on canvas)

This painting I have been working on since early this year. Usually I can complete paintings within a week or so. Sometimes they take over a month, but this one took longer. The bird was bugging me and the process wasn’t coming together. Even the colors were giving me trouble. Today it all came together, and i’m kind of feeling like that girl there. Contemplative and well slightly introspective.

My MOO MiniCards came in the mail yesterday. I can’t tell you how excited I am to get these. Of course I forgot to put my phone number on the back, but my first intention for these was to go with etsy orders.

Got some exciting things to announce soon. My promo-card is in the works and once I get that done I am ordering more of these little cards to use as business cards.  Also will have more paintings up on etsy this weekend. Staying busy over here.

I wish I had it all figured out in my head how to put the words out here. I always feel like such a mess of a writer. The words in my head are so eloquent but the way they come out is another story. They seem to come out as ramblings, or just a string of incoherent words. Though I know my voice is small here on the internet, I know it is growing. I am growing.

I suppose that could be why I am frustrated much of the time lately. I wish I knew how to make it go away too, this constant feeling that I am not good enough at illustrating to succeed, or that my art would make a lovely bonfire this spring, run through my head. It is only accentuated at my 9-5 where positives are rarely recognized but rather all your faults are constantly pointed out. Work then becomes draining and negative all of which pour into my home life which is where I am trying to create art that is positive and people want to look at and own.

It is a tough battle and some days I sit down in my studio staring at the wall and just don’t have the energy, heart or willingness to put into a painting. I try drawing, loosening up to get myself out of the funk and some days that works others I can barely get a piece out which usually promptly gets ripped up and tossed. (frustration)

I am trying to get involved in art communities and am going to take a class this summer since it helped a lot back in 06. I just lack right now that support from people who have gone through this, I lack friends that are involved in this art world of mine. It’s all a work in progress, but it is also wearing me thin. I have been sick more than ever in my life this past winter, and oh don’t get me started on the horrific cold sore outbreak of early 08. My focus needs to be on my health and well-being first, and all this art stuff second. I know I have it in me to succeed, every time I even consider giving it up that little piece of my gut won’t let me. It is my passion, when I get in the zone and have those moments in the studio where nothing exists around me, I get it. I am connected at that moment with what I am creating.

I have made many baby steps this year and don’t worry I am not going anywhere I can’t ever see myself putting down a paintbrush. Although that bonfire is tempting at times…

Ignore the last post, I’m leaving it up for a yet to be determined reason.

I can’t even tell you the gamut of feelings, and emotions that I have had over the past month or so. There are just too many. One day I’ll be all gun hoe and ready to get out there and take on the world other day I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Wishing people would leave me alone, and other days wishing I had more friends. I wish I could go into more detail about what is going on over here that is causing all these ups and downs, but I can’t. I do know part of the problem though is associated with me creating unrealistic goals for myself, constantly comparing myself to others, and not believing in myself as much as I should. So today I let go of it all, and am vowing to…

• Believe in myself, my talent, and the future.
• Stop comparing my success or lack of to where others are in their life. I will get there on my own path…
• To try some new things that will get me out of the house and out of my comfort zone.
• To work on current friendships and really value them.
• To be grateful everyday for my health, and my ability to choose how I react to things.
• Continue to write here for me, and not care if anyone reads this or not.
• Work hard at what I love.
• Not overwhelm myself with crazy to do lists and deadlines

Lastly, but I am not putting it on the list as it would then conflict with that last one. I want to try to write here more often. Not just post my paintings but get back to writing about life, CJ, and just the world around me. I would be more interested in reading a blog about more than just the pictures that are posted. So expect more thoughts, more words, and more glimpses into my world here.

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. –Hans Margolius

Sometimes right before I fall asleep when the house is quiet and the only sounds I can hear are my dog and husband breathing very loudly and rhythmically in time with each other I sort of freak out. If I am not really tired or have a lot of thoughts racing through my head the quiet and the darkness seem to scare me. I start seeing images and colors even though my eyes are wide open and I know that it is the clothes in the closet not a scary figure standing there.

I’ve had a big imagination my whole life, I could turn the most boring stuff into something entirely different in my head. Suppose that comes through in my paintings at times. Yet at night when my imagination runs off, I actually have to turn on the tv for its light and noise just to fall asleep. Suppose I am still dealing with having two of the most traumatic events in my life pull me out of a dead sleep only to be faced with a worst case scenario. Quiet times always lull me into a sense of uncertainty and I go on day by day cautiously waiting. Yet I don’t want to live my life like that anymore, I’m done this year I’m going to change that.

It has been only a week into the new year and I already feel I am not doing enough, yet my whole goal this year is to be more focused on me and stop caring so much what other people are doing, thinking, or accomplishing. My goal to create for myself, to get back to the fun of it all is actually going take some work. To take care of myself, and spend time doing things and living in those moments. Stop waiting for the bottom to fall out and just let it all be. I want to push away some negatives in my life and really try to be a better person.

Asking to much? maybe. Can it be done? Hell Yeah. Who will I be when 2009 dawns? Stick around the story is unfolding…

Ok part two…

My intentions:
is to create a body of art that is only for me, no strings attached.
is to seek out opportunities that allow me to grow as person, but also my abilities as an artist.
is to spend an hour on me each day doing something that I want to and not doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Wow, only three is really tough. I think those are the main ones for now.

And my big Mondo Beyondo list…(these are the scary ones)
Write and illustrate that children’s book that has been tumbling around in my head.
Move out finally!
Establish my freelance illustration work by getting some clients.

Ok, three and three. I know the dream list is a little more down to earth. There are many big things I wish for but I am not ready to put down into words yet.

This is a neat little thing that I found over at Andrea’s journal.  I found it a few days ago but was unsure of whether I wanted to do this. I decided today why not, my goal for 2008 is to grow and step out of my comfort zone so this would be doing exactly that. So here is part one… part two coming in a few minutes.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

I am proud that I created well over 100 paintings in 2007, and pushed my style into a whole new direction. I am proud that I completed my weekly challenge each week, and that I successfully participated in 30 day artist. I am proud that I gave Art on Harrison another try, and though not successful gave me the courage to start entering art shows. I am happy that I spent as much of the summer outside and enjoying the warmth. I am proud of myself for recognizing I needed a little more help to get through things.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?

I forgive myself for giving up on exercise after only a month. I forgive myself for having monthly breakdowns, and wanting to give up on everything, especially my art. I forgive myself for comparing my work and myself to where others are and just being disappointed.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

I declare 2007 complete!  2008 is my year of growth!

Happy New Year!! I have not fallen off the face of the earth, but rather decided to take a hiatus from just about everything to spend some wonderful time off with family, friends, and most importantly sleeping in. As my mini vacation is about to spiral to an end at 6:30 a.m. when the alarm goes off it is back to work tomorrow.

My new year was nothing much to speak of, I spent it huddled under a blanket and went to bed promptly at 12:03 or something close to that.

I am excited about the new year, and have many challenges I know I must face this year and hopefully will pull through them all without losing my mind along the way. I have some lofty goals for my illustrations this year, and some other things up my sleeve that will be revealed in due time. I am sure this year will be full of ups and downs as every year is always full of them, but hopefully this is THE year for some stuff to move forward, and little me to keep on trucking down that road.

And I’ll leave you with a little glimpse into my holiday…

The holidays, and more importantly the new year. A chance for new beginnings and time to start some new projects. I haven’t even begun to write down my goals for 2008 yet. I have many things I want to achieve. Personal, as well as professional goals I would like to accomplish in the next year. If I learned one thing this year it’s that baby steps are very important, and slowing down to take the time to do it right is better than just rushing along. It all will come “in time.”  That is one big goal for next year to focus on one thing at a time, and just try to slow down and not worry if I am not getting something done as fast as I think I should be. Rather taking the time to make sure things turn out right. These past few months it seems like weekly I am doubting myself and my talent. I realize I need to stop comparing and just do what makes me happy, the rest will follow. With a little hard work of course.

Coming soon though, is a much more organized website with a new design. I must have changed my site a dozen times this year. I really am in the “getting in the groove of things” stage with everything. I feel like I am just now starting to get my style figured out. Though it is still all over the place, I paint everything and so therefore it feels like I just don’t really have a specific style. Yet another goal for 2008 to focus in on what I really want to paint more of. I’ll find my spot out there among all you other amazing artists one day soon.

As I have said many times before look for some changes around here by the new year and there will be new artwork to show as there is some in the works, as well as my goals for next year. Expect sporadic posting here until next year, holidays are NUTS!

Title just a part of a song stuck in my head today. Promo cards were ordered on Sunday. Just a pretty big step for me as I was procrastinating like crazy on this one. I ended up going with just a standard font on the back as I just couldn’t not decide what to do, but I think it works and that is all that counts. This piece was the one I felt best represents my work at the current time.
And here they are… I blurred my address and phone number so that was intentional!

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