Friday, January 11, 2008

Quiet Now

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. –Hans Margolius

Sometimes right before I fall asleep when the house is quiet and the only sounds I can hear are my dog and husband breathing very loudly and rhythmically in time with each other I sort of freak out. If I am not really tired or have a lot of thoughts racing through my head the quiet and the darkness seem to scare me. I start seeing images and colors even though my eyes are wide open and I know that it is the clothes in the closet not a scary figure standing there.

I’ve had a big imagination my whole life, I could turn the most boring stuff into something entirely different in my head. Suppose that comes through in my paintings at times. Yet at night when my imagination runs off, I actually have to turn on the tv for its light and noise just to fall asleep. Suppose I am still dealing with having two of the most traumatic events in my life pull me out of a dead sleep only to be faced with a worst case scenario. Quiet times always lull me into a sense of uncertainty and I go on day by day cautiously waiting. Yet I don’t want to live my life like that anymore, I’m done this year I’m going to change that.

It has been only a week into the new year and I already feel I am not doing enough, yet my whole goal this year is to be more focused on me and stop caring so much what other people are doing, thinking, or accomplishing. My goal to create for myself, to get back to the fun of it all is actually going take some work. To take care of myself, and spend time doing things and living in those moments. Stop waiting for the bottom to fall out and just let it all be. I want to push away some negatives in my life and really try to be a better person.

Asking to much? maybe. Can it be done? Hell Yeah. Who will I be when 2009 dawns? Stick around the story is unfolding…